Episode #46: Energetic Boundaries, Intuition, and Personal Growth for Highly Sensitive People with Tammy Goen

How highly sensitive people can trust their intuition, set aligned boundaries, and stop abandoning themselves in relationships, work, and everyday life.

Welcome back to The Happy HSP Podcast. I’m your host Kimberly Marshall, and today I’m joined by empowered sensitivity coach and nervous system alchemist Tammy Goen.

We talk about energetic boundaries, learning to trust your intuition, and the subtle but powerful ways highly sensitive people can choose themselves without guilt. If you’ve ever felt torn between wanting to be there for everyone and needing to protect your own energy and needs, then this episode is for you.

I hope you enjoy it!

Kim: Tammy, it’s so great to meet you. Thank you so much for joining me today.

Tammy: You’re so welcome. It’s really good to be here. I’m excited for our talk.

Kim: Yeah, same here. My first question for you is how I start out every single episode, but it’s so funny. Everyone seems to have a different answer. But my question is, what led you to learning about high sensitivity and figuring that related to who you were or you had the trait?

Tammy: Well, of course, I always knew that I was extra sensitive and that seemed to get in the way a lot, but I didn’t think much of it. But back in 2014-ish, I think, I had an altercation with my then-business partner and a friend and was really struggling trying to get to be heard and understood and all of that. And somebody that was supporting me said, “Hey, check this out online and see what you think.” And it was 16 traits of highly sensitive people. So, I pull it up and check, check, check, check, check all of the boxes, all but two of 16 traits. I’m like, wow, okay. So that’s me and not just me because it’s online. 

There’s enough of us that it’s out there for everyone to look at. And so that became my driving force of understanding myself. But then of course, as I got into it, understanding others, and at the time I had just gone back to the helping field in terms of coaching.

I had a master’s in counseling, got very burned out because I wasn’t quite prepared in the right way, not being aware of the sensitivity piece. So, I’d been away from that for a while. And then so, went back through the coaching side and then started noticing that the majority of people that were finding me were also highly sensitive. So, I just took a deep dive into understanding myself more and relational aspects, and then also helping my clients, helping other people to understand it, friends and everybody, but just like, “Oh, hey, did you know?” Or, “Hey, I discovered this.” And so, it just became my driving force there to understand more.

Kim: How would you say things changed for you? I’m especially curious about, you said you were in counseling and you weren’t really honoring your sensitivity in that way. What changes did that help you? What did it make you realize about yourself, or what changes were you able to make to fit better with that?

Tammy: Well, professionally, it really helped to allow me to, well, to be aware, to increase my awareness on what works for me, what resonates, what I’m able to do, and then to be able to set those boundaries. So, when I was a counselor, I worked almost exclusively with survivors of a whole variety of different abuse, physical, sexual abuse, domestic violence, all of that, women and children. It was really intense. And even though I thought I was doing things fairly well in terms of taking care of myself, because that was always a big part of my life was self-care. And we didn’t talk about it that way then, but mindfulness-type focus. But later, since I had those tools, I was able to say, “Oh, you know what? That’s not in my wheelhouse or that’s more than I can ...” 

So that’s one of the things I’m very clear about now when I work with people is that if people have experienced trauma, which is of course very, very common, I’m not the one to help them through that trauma. That’s not where I’m at. But if they’ve done that work and now they’re wanting to move forward in a variety of different arenas, then that’s all great. But that’s one of the things that’s really a hard no for me to say that’s just not what I can do. And of course, the compassion side of me says, “Oh, I want to help everybody.”

Kim: No.

Tammy: But being able to say, “Yeah, that’s more than I can handle time. ... can manage.” So really a lot of that, giving myself permission to be okay with what works for me and what doesn’t. And that’s even more recently, I ended up having a place of burnout in not the working with my clients part, but the marketing and the business building and all of that kind of stuff recently. And I had to just step back and go, wow, this is not working for me, and not the stuff that resonates. So, after working with a coach and recognizing and being able to say, oh yeah, so the thing that I help others with, which is trying to step away from trying to be everything for everyone all the time and recognizing that I was actually doing that in my business.

And personally, well, how that handled and the boundaries and all that kind of stuff, but then that compassionate side of I want everyone to feel better, so I have to be available and help everyone. And it’s not reasonable. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but that’s where I was coming from. So being able to revamp that has been very powerful of honoring that piece. It’s like, yeah, I have to do things in a way that resonate and choose the people to work with that resonate. And then everything flows and then I help as much as I possibly can because I’m coming from the right place.

Kim: NYou make such a great point there because I feel like we think we’re doing the thing and we think we’re aligned and there’s so many ways that we can kind of leak our energy. For you, it wasn’t even the role, really. I mean, counseling is similar to coaching in ways they’re different, but it’s the topic that you were covering. It almost sounds like you had to figure out what did work for you by letting go of what didn’t.

Tammy: Yeah. And I think that’s the case for pretty much everything in a highly sensitive life journey, recognizing, oh, okay, this is really, really hard for me. So, either I get some tools and some support and then shift the way I’m looking at it and then it’s not so hard. Or there are certain things that just do not work for me. I’m not going to run out and every single weekend because I love, love music, attend all of these crazy busy concerts everywhere because they’re people that I like. I mean, it sounds really great, but I know what my limits are, and that would not feed me. It would really drain me. And so I pick different avenues to enjoy my music. So, it’s being able to say, okay, yeah, I don’t have to be able to do everything that everyone else does or everything that I used to do or force myself to do.

But yeah, giving permission to ourselves for whatever resonates and doesn’t and letting go of a lot of that. And that’s stuff that we’ve heard growing up, you should be able to do this or you shouldn’t do that, letting go of that kind of stuff, all that programming, and then the expectations that we have of ourselves, which are so high, usually. So yeah, letting go first and then saying, okay, well, what else can I do? How else can I look at it? What else can I bring in that does resonate and can fill that spot or bring in what it is that I’m looking for, but in a different way and release those expectations.

Kim: Yeah. When you say resonate, what do you mean?

Tammy: For me, resonating is something that feels okay, and a lot of that is body awareness. So if we’re paying attention to our intuition and our felt sense, if something works and it flows and it seems like, yeah, this is good, this works for me, then it’s resonating and it actually feels okay or even positive versus something that makes you do the, oh, okay, well, I guess I’m supposed to do that and your body doesn’t feel good and it just, no matter what your head says, this is a good thing, this is what everyone says I should do, or this is what so-and-so did and it worked for them, or whatever that is. If you think about it, and that’s one of the things that I always have people do too in terms of connecting with that intuitive piece is going within that body awareness and saying, how does it actually feel when you think of doing that?

And stuff that doesn’t resonate is going to be like, might be sticky or you’re just tight or it just feels super heavy or whatever it is, however you react to those things, you’re kind of like, oh, this is a good thing and I get the tingles or, oh no, this is not good for me and I just feel exhausted or weighted down or tight, whatever that might be that it says, yeah, this isn’t my thing.

Kim: Yeah, that’s such a great point because I think back to the “you should” and all of that, we get so stuck in our heads and in our egos when we think we should do something or we feel like we need to, and there is something to that. I have a recent thing that came up that you’re making me think of where it was like I was supposed to go hang out with someone, but every time we made plans, I’d get sick to my stomach. And at some point I had to say like, “I know I should be going to hang out with this person and we’ve always done this and this has been part of my friend group forever, but it just doesn’t feel good for me anymore.” I’m honoring that no matter what our heads are telling us, paying more attention to how it feels in our body.

Tammy: Right. Yeah.  I would say there’s two parts of that too that reminds me, when I was 13, my parents got divorced when I was 10, excuse me, when I was 13, time after time when I would go to have our visitation with my dad, our weekends, I got an upset stomach. I’d just be like, oh, and I would go and then calm down eventually and then I’d come back. And then my mom thankfully was able to say, “What’s going on here?” And we had to talk and I discovered that I was really, really worried about my dad and thought he was really unhappy. And so that’s how I took that in as mine, like, oh, I’m so worried, and I can’t fix it for him, so I’m just going to be sad and upset and have an upset stomach. And then so thankfully in that situation, my mom was able to tell my dad, and he was able to own up and say, “Hey, my stuff is my stuff. You do not need to take care of me and I’m okay and whatever.” 

And then I was fine that I didn’t have any more stomach aches. So in that situation, talking about it, changing things created a new solution and it was fine. But in a friend situation, same thing. I mean, it could be that if there’s an issue that hasn’t been addressed and it just can be talked through, and then maybe it wouldn’t be a problem anymore. But then there’s times when, in my situation, obviously it’s like my dad’s my dad. I mean, I wasn’t going to be like, “Well, I’m not going to go anymore.” Well, I mean, I could have. I could have just, if we hadn’t figured out, I can’t go because I just feel terrible. But it is that recognizing, and it’s only been in the last 10 years, I would say that I have actually taken that step to unfriend somebody or to say, “I’m sorry, this isn’t working for me.”

And similar to what you were saying, it’s like every single time you connect, it just doesn’t feel good. It’s just not happy, it’s not whatever. So, you have to go, okay, some people we resonate with, some people we really connect well with and it feels great. And then other times we’re just not a good match. And that’s, I think, really even more challenging for sensitives to let go of that, having somebody not be okay with them or not liking everybody, or one of those where you’re like, well, why would I pick this person to not be friends with anymore? That doesn’t seem compassionate or whatever. But we have to, of course, be compassionate to ourselves first and then be able to say, “Oh, well, I’m not going to be the right friend for this person anyway if I’m not being true to my feelings and being the person that I want to be and who I am when I’m with this person because I’m feeling this way all the time.”

So, it’s a win-win for both of you.

Kim: Yeah, that’s such a good point. Yeah. If I’m not feeling good in the friendship, neither are they, that’s 100%. Yeah, it was done with love. I mean, it still was painful. Yeah, it was just one of those cases where you grow in different directions, and it no longer felt fulfilling or joyful or it was like, yeah, torture.

Tammy: Right. And the fact that you were able to recognize, oh, you put those together every single time I go to see this person, or you can get to where you can even think about it and have that reaction. Yeah, it’s your gut. That doesn’t feel good. Okay, so I’m going to do something about that. And then you honored that and just said, “Yeah, I can’t make it the way I want it to be.” And then recognizing things do shift and I just need to take care of me and release this person so they can go find someone else that does feel better.

Kim: Exactly. Yeah, exactly. And leave myself open energetically for new friendship and relationships. Yeah. And just back again to the point where you said it’s not always about releasing them, there’s also something maybe that needs to be worked out. But I just think this sense of people stay in uncomfortable situations because yeah, I think we are so hard on ourselves about keeping things around and we feel like we’re hurting the other people when that’s not always the case.

Tammy: Yeah. And we can in an unconscious way or just an unrecognized way, hurt another person just by sticking it out when it’s not working. 

Kim: That’s absolutely right. 

Tammy: I mean, we don’t know everyone else has their own journey. And so if we’re not being the people we want to be when we’re with them and there’s that heavy energy or whatever, that’s not helping them either. So yeah, I mean, we can say, “Oh, I’m going to hurt their feelings if I say goodbye,” but you’re opening things up for them to-

Kim: Their feelings every time. Yeah, you hang out, and you’re saying things that don’t match their energy or ... Yeah, there’s a whole depth to that. This is, I’m guessing, what you help with people within your coaching, right? The energetic and spiritual aspect that I read in your biography. Can you share about your work?

Tammy: Yeah. So, for me, it’s really important to be able to connect with that intuitive side. And for me, the spiritual piece is just recognizing that we all are connected, everything is energy, and our intention is really powerful. And if we’re really connected with our inner self, our inner wisdom, and then a bigger power, whatever that is for each person, or just the collective consciousness, whatever, something that we realize I’m this little piece of something bigger and my feelings, thoughts, actions, everything has a ripple effect on everything. And so, I’m affected by everything coming in and I’m affecting things by everything going out. So being in a place of balance with that, I think is really important. And part of it is that not disconnecting from or ignoring or discounting the parts of us that maybe seem challenging or haven’t worked in traditional settings or whatever where we’re like, okay, well, I just need to not be that way or not be that way.

I mean, there’s a lot of that that comes up with sensitive. So, being able to say, this is who I am in all of its glory and how I am connected with everything else and being able to say, okay, so what does that really mean? So, part of it is who am I? Really, really looking at who we are as sensitives and along with sensitivity rather than in spite of, because a lot of times people will come say, “Can you just make me not so sensitive. Or not sensitive at all?”

Kim: What do I do?

Tammy: And that’s who we are. And then helping them see, of course, all the things that you would have to let go of and that you would miss out on if you didn’t have that level of sensitivity that you have. But yeah, being able to really connect with that piece and then work with the sensitive sides, all the things that comes with it, the compassion and the creativity and all of the ... When we are in that good relationship, being really good friends and partners and those kinds of things, if we honor who we are, that is a big part of working with folks to honor not only the sensitivity piece, but just who we are individually, and then as we connect with others.

Kim: Right. Yeah. And I feel like as HSPs, we have such a deeper connection to ourselves and the world around us, but yeah, it seems to be that mind chatter that gets in the way from our ability to see clearly and connect with our intuition in a way that’s helpful in the higher self.

It’s like we almost have to let go of so much of that density before we can start seeing the good parts of us. Because yeah, it’s all the conditioning from we were little and our sensitivity is wrong or it’s not helpful and we get that message so deeply.

Tammy: Right. Yeah. And I think sometimes, I mean, this is the way my journey went in terms of feelings. We can have really intense feelings and that can be really, really challenging. We can hear a lot, you’re so emotional or you’re so whatever. And then at some point, some of us, and that would be me, get to a point where you’re like, well, I’m just not going to feel very deeply then because it’s hard. 

So then not feeling as much so that it doesn’t hurt as much or it’s not so intense, but then that means all of the feelings. So, then the happiness and the excitement and all that are tamped down. So being able to go, oh, okay, so I need to find a way to be okay with these big, deep feelings instead of trying to put them away. And of course, some people turn to substances or to different behaviors that help to not pay attention to all of those feelings, but we really just need to acknowledge them and feel them and then say, “Oh, okay, what am I going to do with these?” And then move on from there.

Kim: Yeah, it’s so hard. There is a lot of numbing that goes on understandably. Yeah. When we have these huge, energetic, emotional ... Yeah, because we’re told from such a young age that we’re too much and try and hide it or tamp it down. And it’s hard to sit with them. It’s not comfortable.

Tammy: No, no. And we feel discomfort more strongly because we feel everything more strongly. So it is really challenging to feel really intensely, but then also to have that idea from culture, from family, from friends, whatever, that it’s not okay to feel that much or to show what those feelings, how they come out is too much or just being affected by things. I mean, I’m sure growing up, you probably always heard the, “Just don’t let it bother you. Let it go. It’s no big deal.”

Kim: Yeah. Not to me.

Tammy: Help me figure out how to do that. That would be really great to not be affected by that. And then we’re sitting on the sensitive side going, how can you not be aware of that or feel that or have that bother you because it’s just so much, but we give so much meaning to everything that it’s really challenging to just, “Oh, don’t worry about that one or just let that go and focus on this.” I’m focused on all of them.

Kim: Yeah, it’s just not our natural state. Yeah. What do you say you struggle with when it comes to your high sensitivity? What do you find challenging?

Tammy: Well, on the smaller scale, for me, one of the biggest things is sound and texture. Those are just on just daily basis kind of stuff. I have to really orchestrate everything such that I’m not always annoyed or irritated by sounds or distracted. I can be really distracted by sounds. And I’m one of those that I have to open my microwave if I’ve got something heating up in there. I mean, I try not to use it very much, but heating water or whatever before it beeps because the three to four beeps in a row, just like, “Oh, no, no, no, I can’t do that all the time.” So those kinds of things, just the more simplistic, I guess if you’d say, but those kind of things and tags in my shirt and just stuff that I can’t get a hair on my face. I’m like, "Whoa, hold on. Okay, now I can talk.” 

Kim: Stop everything!

Tammy: Yeah, exactly. So those kinds of things for sure. And then again, being able to let go of that idea of being everything for everyone all the time, just having all the answers or just being able to do what needs to be done no matter what, versus really listening and making sure things resonate and saying, “Yep, I’m setting my boundaries in this way of what’s okay for me or what I can help with. And if I’m too tired and I want to say no, that’s what I’m going to do.” So, I mean, that’s just been a long journey. I mean, I’m in a pretty good place with that now, but that’s been definitely one of my biggest challenges. 

And then as I said, more recently with just the business side of things that I realized like, oh, yep, that’s still a really challenging one to just say, I’m not going to be there for everyone and make sure that I’m really there for those that I am with.

Kim: Right, right. It helps you be more present for the better fit.

Tammy: Yes. And then of course, if you end up in a friendship or in a business relationship or whatever where you are trying to just like, “Okay, I’m just going to make this work. I’m going to make this work because I should because I want everyone to be happy.” And then your work or your relationship suffers and then your state, your emotional state suffers, and then that other person doesn’t get what you truly could offer if it was set up the right way, you had that right connection. So, nobody wins.

Kim: It almost affects your ability to be your best self, not only in that relationship or business relationship, but for yourself.

Tammy: Yes. Yeah, exactly.

Kim: What do you love about the trait? What do you think is awesome about it? 

Tammy: I love being able to notice all the little things that other people miss. Oh, look at the little ladybug on the leaf when I’m hiking, and just appreciation of everything. I’m really a major outdoor person and really connected with nature. So, every time that I’m out, I’m taking it all in and just like, oh, I’m so glad that I can really appreciate that kind of experience and really appreciate music and literature and all the arts and stuff. I mean, maybe other people that aren’t as sensitive will have those wow moments sometimes, but I think sensitives tend to have more of those or they just really feel them intensely. And so, I would definitely wouldn’t want to give that up being able to have that amazing appreciation. And then just, I mean, sometimes that awareness of things or picking up the subtleties that others miss, I mean, those have actually helped me physically in times in terms of safety, smelling or hearing something in my house that no one else would’ve ever been aware of probably, and pretty impactful, important stuff.

So, I do really appreciate that piece of just really being aware. And yeah, sometimes it gets to be a lot where you’re like, “Can I just not be aware of all of that?” But a lot of times it’s very helpful and enjoyable to have that heightened awareness.

Kim: So funny you mentioned that. You made me think of a time, me and my family were all on the beach and I could see the storm clouds and I could feel it in my body like there was a storm coming and I’m like, there’s a really big thunderstorm coming and I don’t feel safe being out on the beach. I was like, I’m going to go back to the room and they’re like, “Oh, we’re fine. There’s nothing on the radar.” 10 minutes later, I’m all cozy in the house, and everyone’s coming, running in, it’s raining buckets and thundering, lightning. They could have gotten hurt. I was like, “I told you, I could just sense it. You could feel it in the air.” But yeah, it’s so funny

Tammy: But they didn’t.

Kim: No. We’re like, no, yes, it’s coming.

Tammy: Yeah. And I think it’s important too, when you’re talking about friendships that are working or not working, as we meet people, as things shift, whatever, having that, we tend to have that sense that we feel in our bodies of whether someone’s okay for us or not. I mean, sometimes it’s the situation, but sometimes with people even we’re going-

Kim: Yeah, something’s off.

Tammy: There’s something about that person or about the group or the situation. And usually, I mean, in that case, you can say, “No, there’s a storm coming.” It’s pretty specific. But sometimes you’re like, I can’t-

Kim: Put my finger…

Tammy: I can’t really say what it is, which of course then people are like, well, if you don’t know what the problem is, then- There’s nothing. What’s wrong with this person? Or I can’t really say, well then what’s the ... Sometimes we just go, I don’t know. I just have to go with it because I’m sensing and I’m feeling it, whether that’s energetic or-

Kim: Picking up on the energy. 

Tammy: Yeah. You’re just saying, “Nope, something’s off.”

Kim: Some’s off. Yeah, that’s enough to trust it. I think we don’t trust it. We talk ourselves out of it. And yeah, back to the intuition piece, trusting what you’re feeling, because usually if we pay attention to that more, we’re often right.

Tammy: Well, and I was going to say, usually the times that when we don’t listen to that, if we go back and look at those situations or the relationships or whatever and we go, “Yep, I knew that.”

Kim: Yeah.

Tammy: Yeah. I knew that and I didn’t listen. Or sometimes I’ll have little hits when I’m meditating or right after, just like it might be a vision or a thought or something and I’ll go, “Oh, that’s interesting.” And I’ve learned that I need to pay attention to that. I’m in that state where things are going to come and allow me to notice. And instead of saying, oh, that’s curious, I have learned to like, well, let me check that out and let me see what that means. And it’s usually something significant.

Kim: That you need to know at that moment.

Tammy: Yeah. Or and then I need to follow up on. And if I don’t, then later I’m going, oh yeah, I had that hit when I was meditating the other day. Yeah. If I had just followed up with that, I wouldn’t be doing this right now. So yeah, really paying attention to that felt sense, that intuitive hit. Sometimes it’s different for everybody in different times, you have just a thought or you have an image or just a sense of, I need to move right now or I need to be somewhere else or I need to get off the beach. And if we listen to those, then we’re in a much better-

Kim: More helpful…

Tammy: Helpful. ... situation, however that comes.

Kim: Yeah. I think when it comes to things like that, we think we’re nuts or actually with me a lot, sometimes I don’t understand what it means. Then I drive myself crazy trying to think about what that was. How would you explain to someone how to follow that nudge if you’re not sure what it means or what it is?

Tammy: Well, so for me, and this is another one of those things that do what you say, say what you do, all those things. I need to journal more. And I find that if I write stuff down, if I speak or I write it down, and that could even be typing in an email. If I’m putting it out there, then I get a different clarity. 

So, sometimes it’s just honoring that you’re not just ignoring it, and sometimes it’s for processing, but writing it down. So, if you get a hit or whatever and you’re like, “What is this about?” Write it down. And then sometimes just in that exercise, you can get clarity. Oh, well, this makes me think of whatever, maybe it’s related to this or whatever. But if not, just come back to it for a little while, maybe throughout the day or something and say, “Oh, that thing I had this morning, I wonder what that means.” But I think anytime that we want to get clarity on something or answer a question or whatever, we have to get quiet.

We have to stop. We can’t just say, “Okay, I’m going to go do these three chores, and while I’m doing that, I’m going to try to figure out what this thing was that just came to me. " It’s probably not going to be very effective. But if we just say, “Oh, I’m going to spend five minutes just sitting with this, see what comes up, write about it, and just give yourself that space to be able to say, okay, putting everything on hold, what might be here?” And just see what happens. So, I think just giving space and honoring what that is, even if there is ... Yeah, I have no idea what this means. I mean, because I do energy work too, and I would do the same thing when I’m working with someone, I’ll get little hits. Sometimes it’s visual, sometimes it’s just a thought, sometimes it’s a sense, whatever.

And I’ve learned that I just tell people when we’re done, I’m like, “I don’t know what this means.”

Kim: But here you go.

Tammy: “It just came up. Here you go.” Actually, for them, oh.

And they can go. And usually they’ll say, oh, well, I mean, this did happen one times like, oh, that’s the gray and the green that you’re seeing. That was my family’s tartan and crest and all that stuff and lineage with the Scots and whatever. And I was like, oh, okay. I don’t know what that means, but you bring up stuff for others or within yourself, and you go, yeah, I don’t know what this means, but I’m just going to acknowledge it’s here for a reason, so let me just sit with it for a little while. And then if nothing comes right away, you can write about it and then just come back to it later and say, okay, does that mean something now or has anything shifted? And then sometimes other memories might come up. And then one thing that can be helpful sometimes as you’re going to bed, put out that intention, I would like a message or some understanding about whatever this thing is or this issue, et cetera, and then just open that to that.

And then maybe there’ll be something in your dream time or you’ll wake up going, "Oh, I have a new idea about that thing."

Kim: Exactly.

Tammy: That can be really powerful.

Kim: I love that we stumbled here. It feels like we stumbled here, but it’s such a great conversation because a lot of the intuition and energy work is trying to hear your higher self, but there is another layer to it where it’s not just knowing what we want or feeling it in our body. We’re getting these energetic visions, hits, kind of intuitions that we don’t always know what to do about. But I’m with you when you are paying attention, writing them, even if you have ... I have a journal just for signs and synchronicities because they do, they come. And I feel like if you ignore them, they’re not as prevalent, but the more that you’re paying attention and aware, and then you start to see patterns emerging. But yeah, it’s very much a practice of paying attention because otherwise we’re just, like you said, if you’re running around and hustling, then you’re not aware of them.

Tammy: And then sometimes we have things happening repeatedly and we’re like, “Why is this happening?” And if you go through that process and say, “Okay, this is a pattern. I’m seeing what does this mean?” And acknowledge, “Yeah, something’s going on. I need to listen. What is it?” But then we need to be quiet to let whatever that might become rather than just being like, “Oh, okay.” I mean, you send your intention out, that’s really powerful. And sometimes people are good with just saying, “Okay, I’m just sending this out, it’s into the universe and I’m going to get an answer.” 

And then they just carry on. I think a lot of times though, we need times in our day to just be quiet. I mean, that helps calm our nervous system and let us take in more and all those things, but it also provides that place for things to shift for recognition, for the ahas, for self-understanding and just that, like you said, that connection with self of just saying, “Hey, I’m here, what’s going on with me?” Just having those moments to pause are really important, especially for sensitives with our nervous systems.

Kim: Yeah, we have this energetic field around us and there’s things coming in. There’s things that with intention we’re putting out, it’s just how are we managing that? How clear is our channel? How aware are we of what’s flowing in and out? It’s really fascinating how it works. 

And they’re just starting to find this out with science. I mean, this is things that people who are really tapped in sense, and it’s a natural part of us. It’s how we work, but we’re not always taught about it or aware of it. And all the science in this field proving it, it’s like, yeah, duh.

Tammy: Yeah, that’s why all of the ancient civilizations for eons back, that’s always been part of their lives. I mean, it’s just natural. Of course, you have all these, you’re connected with everything. You have this huge energy source that you’re a part of and there’s stuff in the field all the time, so you’re going to tap in sometimes. It’s not that you can’t ... It’s not happening unless you’re aware of it. It’s just that you’re tapping in and you’re going, “Oh.”

Kim: There’s more here.

Tammy: Look, all this stuff is happening, and I was just not even recognizing or aware, but now I’m aware and I’m going to tap in there and see what’s pertinent for right now. And I mean, thankfully we do have ... I mean, sensitives don’t have the same kind of filters that non-sensitives have. I mean, that’s why more stuff comes in and stuff is super important and meaningful and everything, but thankfully we all have filters that keep us ... Because how would we ever manage if everything that’s…

Kim: Coming at us.

Tammy: Everything that’s in the field was accessible all the time and we were always aware of it, that would be-

Kim: Overwhelming.

Tammy: Sensitives just have more of that. There’s more of that openness to everything coming in. So that’s why it can get so overwhelming and get to be so much because we don’t have those same filters, but we do need to practice opening them on purpose and saying, “Okay, I’m putting myself out to bring in information on whatever it is that we’re wanting” or if we get that hit, okay, I want to know what this is. I’m open to that. I’m sending out that intention. Yes, I would like a message or clarity on this and be open to that rather than trying to be shut off to everything because it’s so much.

Kim: Yeah, we are so much more open. And it’s funny, you’re making me think of empathy and other people’s feelings, but I don’t think ... And I didn’t always realize there’s way more to it. There’s the whole energetic field and information, and we’re not just sensitive to other people’s feelings. It’s like we’re sensitive to our surroundings in so many different ways. There’s energy coming at us from a million different channels and tuning in, figuring out all these things, getting curious, have some curiosity to discover what this might mean. 

Tammy: And I think sensitives tend to be very curious anyway, and we like to learn things and try out different stuff and whatever, but we can have a tendency to tamp that down because if there’s so much coming in, you’re like, I don’t have the energy for learning something else or for being that curious. But if we have all the tools and we’re set where we can say, “Oh yeah, I can let some stuff in.” Yeah, being curious so we can ... I mean, if nothing else, just enjoy something. It’s like, “Oh, this is amazing. I just learned this and that’s great.” 

But yeah, well, I’m curious, I’m going through a meditation mindfulness app program right now. And one of the things it keeps coming back to is just being really aware of what we’re feeling and what our sense is in our body, just being in our body, just what does that feel like right now?

Kim: Yeah. So many of us, we’re constantly in the future, the past, thinking, what are we doing…

Tammy: In the head. ...

Kim: In the head and our ego, right? But it is a practice being in the body, just the calm by it, the-

Tammy: Yeah, and without judgment, just being like, oh, this is curious. I am aware of this sensation. It’s not good or bad. This is the sensation or this is the thought or this is whatever. And letting go of the, it has to be either good or bad. Sometimes a lot of things are just really neutral, but if we feel it in a positive or negative way or a helpful or unhelpful way, just being able to step back and go, “Oh, well, maybe I can allow it to just be.”

Kim: Be. Yes. It’s like circumstances matter less than perception. It’s our perception of happening.

Tammy: Yeah, exactly.

Kim: I mean, obviously we suffer in ways,

Tammy: But- Because two people can have the exact same experience and have a completely different ... They can be part of the same event and have a completely different experience or reaction. It’s the exact same thing. They see an accident or whatever, and one person is just all compassionate and it’s like, “Oh, I want to help and whatever.” And the other person is traumatized because it’s this terrible thing or whatever. So the way you just said it was really nice, but-

Kim: I know exactly what you mean.

Tammy: It is that reaction and the response and how we give that meaning, and in what way are we going to give it meaning?

Kim: How are we giving it meaning? And again, not from a place of judgment, but everything is just an awareness. This is how I’m feeling in the moment. How do I want to feel in this moment? How do I want to see things? We do. We just have much more control over that than we think.

Tammy: We do.

Kim: Awesome. What advice would you have for highly sensitive people who may be struggling with their trait? What could you share?

Tammy: A couple things. One is, of course, to just acknowledge we’re wired this way, and it’s not a ploy. It’s not being dramatic. It’s not any of the stuff we might’ve heard growing up or in society that this is what it means. It’s just a way of being that we’re wired this way. So, all of our reactions, all of our experiences happen that way for a reason. I mean, that’s what was so powerful for me discovering this when I was having trouble with my friend and partner was like, oh, okay, they don’t understand me because this is where I come from and they don’t. And it’s not a bad thing, it’s just very different. And then so to follow up on that, what I find is a very powerful tool is to find, and whether it’s Elaine Aron’s website and her initial quiz, but an inventory of some kind that says, “Are you highly sensitive or does this suggest sensitivity or whatever? And then where are you on that spectrum?” 

But finding one of those, and if you’re really new to this idea, taking it is just really powerful because it’s not just, “Oh, there’s this thing online and it’s been researched, so it’s not just me,” which is so powerful. But the other piece is every single one that you read, you realize, oh, that thing is because of my sensitivity. Oh, and that is because I feel so deeply. And it’s very specific things that you realize, 

“Ugh, all these things that I hear I shouldn’t do,” or all of the negative thoughts about it like, “Oh, there’s a reason that I do or experience or see things in this way.” And then the next step is to, if you’re having trouble struggling with a relationship or job situation or whatever it is, someone that you can connect with, give them that inventory and just ask them first before you’ve even had a discussion, say, “Would you do this inventory yourself?” Have them do it and then explain, okay, this is about high sensitivity, and this is me, and these are all of my answers.

And then you have something to see how different people’s viewpoints are and life experience. It’s like, okay, because when I did that with my business partner and I said, “So please fill this out.” And she’s doing it like, “Oh, okay.” And then when I talk and I said, so every single one of these except for two, and now I know one of them is actually also me, but is me. And she’s like, “Really? Like this and this and this?”

Kim: She couldn’t relate.

Tammy: No, because she doesn’t come from there and she’s very compassionate and she’s a very kind person, but she doesn’t see the world that way. So that was really one of the biggest steps in my journey to making huge shifts was seeing that, oh, I can help somebody else understand me better. They can’t come from the same place. That’s never going to happen. I mean, we’re all different. We all come from our place, but that person’s never going to get what it’s like to be me, to be highly sensitive, but they can learn that there’s a reason that there’s this difference, and it’s not just being ridiculous or silly or dramatic or whatever. It’s like they completely see things differently, and it’s very powerful.

Kim: It’s a different way of being. It’s a different experience. And it’s almost permission to be our full selves without shame, without self-abandonment.

Tammy: Yes, I love that.

Kim: Yeah.

Tammy: Yeah. And it really is a superpower. I mean, if we allow it to be and we hone all of our inherent skills and abilities and all those things that we have kind of learned we should tamp down or change, ignore, whatever, when we say, “Oh, you know what? Actually, this makes me really powerful in these ways.” Leadership in particular is a big thing because sensitives tend to ... I mean, the ones that I’ve worked with tend to say, “I don’t know why I’m in this position,” or, “I don’t know that I can do this business thing,” or whatever, because I’m not a leader. Oh, well, let’s look at all of the ways that maybe you are that look different than what the cultural expectation is of leadership. So when you start seeing things from that different perspective of saying, “Okay, I’m wired this way and this is what it means, and these are the ways that they can help if I let go of the need to be like everyone else or these expectations and just be good with who I am.” Yeah.

Kim: Love that so much. There’s so much power we can have when we actually love this about ourselves. I mean, unstoppable. When I love my sensitivity, I’m like, this is who I am unapologetically and I actually love who I am. Look out world because yeah, there’s very little that can stop you.

Tammy: Yeah. And when someone says, “How did you even notice that?” Instead of going, “Oh, I don’t know. It’s just a thing.” Be like, “Because I just notice everything and everything’s really important.” So all that kind of stuff, that’s what I do.

Kim: Yeah, totally, because I’m awesome.

Tammy: Yeah. Stick with me. You’ll notice a whole bunch.

Kim: Watch out ego, but yeah. Well, thank you so much for that, Tammy. What a great conversation. Where can people follow along on your journey?

Tammy: Well, I do have a website, coachtammygoen.com. And then I’m also on Linktree, and then all my stuff is on there, but- And I’m on LinkedIn just with my name. Social media is one of those things. It doesn’t resonate for me real well.

Kim: I’m with you. 

Tammy: LinkedIn and that’s it. I don’t do all the other stuff. It’s just too much.  

Kim: I’ll be sure it’s all on the show notes. We’ll have it there. So thank you so much for joining me today.

Tammy: Yeah, thank you for having me. It’s always fabulous to talk about sensitivity and all of the amazing things about it. 

Kim: Same here.

Thank you so much for listening in on my conversation with Tammy. I hope it reminds you that our energy and intuition naturally deepen when we make space for quiet moments, greater awareness, and lots of self-trust. And let’s not forget to also honor our individual journeys by not being afraid to walk away from what no longer serves us, without shame and with lots of self-love.

Until next time. Take care!

About Tammy Goen

Tammy is an Empowered Sensitivity Coach and Nervous System Alchemist. As a highly sensitive, spiritual female entrepreneur she is poised to help others like her who are choosing to replace overwhelm, being misunderstood and unsupported and feeling the need to change who they are, with feeling calm, being heard and feeling valued just as they are.

With certifications in EFT/Tapping, HeartMath, and Women Centered Coaching, and training in mindfulness based-stress reduction and energy healing modalities, Tammy brings many skills to her work with other sensitive women.

Follow along on Tammy’s journey:

Website: https://coachtammygoen.com/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tammygoen/

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Kimberly Marshall is an ICF-certified Energy and Intuition coach for highly sensitive people (HSPs) and host of The Happy HSP Podcast. After 20 years in the publishing industry working for companies like Time Inc., Monster.com, and W. W. Norton, she left her corporate career to pursue work that better suited her HSP needs. She now helps HSPs reconnect with their intuition, energy, and soul’s purpose so they can live gentle, heart-centered lives in alignment with who they truly are.

Through her work, Kimberly hopes to shed more light on the reality of living with high sensitivity and inspire more HSPs to embrace their empathetic, loving, and gentle natures.

• Hosted/produced by Kimberly Marshall

• Edited by Fonzie Try Media

• Artwork by Tara Corola